Spread my wings~and FLY~~

This post is probably going to be my last post in Malaysia this year. Tomorrow afternoon I will be going back my hometown to stay the night there and then the next morning by 5 plus I have to be there at the airport!

My mood: calm, a lil bit excited, worrying, checking-and-rechecking everything, keep going through what I have to bring, worry that they won't allow my terribly overweight luggage, curious at who am I gonna meet tomorrow, wary of my "situation", .............................(mixed)

I guess this time would be the longest ever time that I will be away from home and family. I think I am coming back next January anyway, maybe if I am lucky, during CNY!!!Yeah!

Gonna have total freedom for the first time ever in my life, since my parents are strict and kinda overprotective. I wanna be independent! I wanna be in control! I wanna be able to balance Play and Study! I wanna be the daughter who won't let my parents worry! I wanna be the gal who knows how to priortise whatever that is important! I wanna be mentally-strong! I wanna the gal who face all her problems with courage! I wanna be able to take charge of my life! I wanna....be alot of things that I am not now. But wanna learn to be.

After spending almost half a year practically not studying, I hope I can get back to the studying and mugging mood there. Seriously need that. My basics, compared to other students is damnably low and plus my nt-brainy brain, well, I deffinitely need to work hard. ( and play hard too, of cause, hee hee)

So people, help me jiayou k??

Gambateh!! Aza aza fighting!! Nobuta power!!

I am gonna miss everything here so so so much.

I am not even on the plane yet, and I am starting to miss everthing already.

So gonna miss---

- My parents ( although they nag and scold me alot, and I occasionally quarell with them)

- My two lil sisters!!! ( totally, I will miss alot alot alot, nobody to play with, nobody to get all childish, nobody to bully, nobody to argue with-although I know I sure win!-, nobody to get all huggy and kissy with, nobody to talk to with a babyish teasing tone.....................I am so so so so gonna miss them!!!)

- My besties and my buddies and everybody ( nobody to just call and talk about every other nonsence, nobody to sms boring nonsence and fei stuff, nobody who really really really understand how i feel, how i think, and will be totally supportive when I am down and really need loads of jiayou-ing...hugs hugs to u all)

- My house ( All the so so familiar corner of my unit)

- My room ( because that is where everything happens and witness most of my breakingdown)

- My bed ( because that is where I slept! )

- My radio ( 98.7!!! Dan and Young!! And the muttons!!! and all the DJs!!!)

- My study table ( thats where I studied and burn midnight oil so many times for all my exams including PMR and SPM)

- My..........everything............I can't possibly list out ALLL!!!!

On the other hand, Sis is in Russia!! She say I can come over her hostel to stay over!! Hee hee. I am somehow and somewhat slightly reassured that Dr. Lau from MedicEd is bringing a bunch of students too tomorrow!!

So Malaysia, Goodbye!!!!

Be right back here as soon as I catch hold of Internet in Russia!!!

Chao~ =D (huge grin~~) ( fractically waving and giving out flying internet kisses~ haha)

p/s Don't miss me!!!! XD

..* Hope for the [b e s t] be prepared for the w-o-r-s-t life aint a [m o v i e] it's all unrehearsed *..

我不是真的没事。。

大家都以为我不伤心，不失望。。

没哭，没埋怨，没表达，不代表我没感觉啊。。

有感觉，当然伤心，当然真的很彻底的失望。。

可是到了这个地步。。我还有什么选择呢。。

就接受事实吧。。

终好比欺骗自己。。

把心里的感受藏起来。。

我已经好习惯了。。。

麻木了。。认啦。。

老实说。。真的很想让自己大哭一场。。

哭啦。。 就没事了。。

并没有期待着什么。。

因为。。也没什么心情吧。。

大概。。

我太坚持了吧。。

并不是什么想要得事情都能够得到 的。。

我应该很明白啊。。

觉得。。

事情又要像以前一样。。

重演啦。。。

认啦。。

我认啦。。

可能是我太坚持了吧。。

可是。。

只不过想要更好的。。

不能嘛。。

还是我没资格。。

心底下。。

其实早已知道会这样了。。

可是。。

执作点。。

偏要有点希望。。

有那么难吗。。

为什么。。

每一次。。

不管是什么。。

都偏要我觉得好象自己好失败。。。

因为自己没那个资格。。

难道我就不能拥有更好的？？

有错吗。。

可能真的不属于我的。。

事情真的跟以前一样。。

又重蹈复演了。。。

改变不了什么。。

就这样接受吧。。

还能怎样呢。。

我真的需要加油。。

不管是哪里。。

还是一样。。

要加油。。

重要的是自己开心点。。

要微笑着生活！！

...

Things are getting more and more depressing. Haiz. Where's the bright and shiny me??? Dark and gloomy Me is out to roam again.

" There is always a light at the end of the tunnel." Unfortunately, the "light" for me?? Its fading.

No mood at all. I wanna get out of here!!!

subtlety.....

1. I am another step closer. Reaching out and grasping...closing in. I am so near, yet, so far. 1 step at a time, slow and calm. Trying to be fast but there are many obstacles ahead in my path. Shoo! Shoo! I won't have them pull me down, so get lost already.

2. You are freaking out, but so am I. But with different reason. You envy my position, but I envy your position. Wanna trade?? Sometimes we just admire others and the good things they possess without hestitating to think and appreciate what we have instead. Everything has its pros and cons, there is no absolute perfect in this world. Love or hate it, this is life.

3. Different scenes with 1 common thing keep emerging in my dreams, punctualing my sleep, and the weird thing is, I am actually happy in them. Crap. Does that mean something?

4. You have no right, no place, no business, no reason to be in my mind. So why don't you leave and get out already?? A quote, " When someone doesn't leave ur mind no matter how much you want he/she to, maybe, they are supposed to be in there." Nope, I don't believe that.

5. Its an obsession!! An obsession with words. An obsession with thoughts. An obsession with emotions. An obsession with expressions.

p/s these are not quotes. these are to sum up my thoughts for now.

Um.

Have y'all ever have those times when something good creeps up to you and took you by surprise? And though that was all you have been hoping for so long, you never really believe that it did really happen.

Confused? I 'm trying to explain but somehow it didn't come out very well cause I think only me have those kind of thinking and thus having some real writerblock expressing. Words are totally failing me now. All jumbled and messed up in my head. Haiz.

Its like whenever something good happens, I'd be all reluctant to share it with anyone, even those closest to me. Whenever something that I been hoping for happens, though how much I will like to jump with joy, shout and scream to the whole world, somehow I ended up smiling to myself in my heart, keeping it all a secret, not wanting to share. I'd repress the urge to just smile and be happy and go around announcing it to every other souls to share that lil bit of good news, I'd be telling myself "Don't get too happy, Don't be too overjoy, Don't put your hopes too high." Because I totally believe that if you don't have hope in the first place, you will not be dissapointed. Its kind of like a self-defence I built up around me against dissapointment, so that it will be easily dealt with if it ever come.

It probably sound as weird as it is. But I have this superstitious belief that if I get too happy over something, I will end up being dissapointed. Its like if I get too happy over something, after awhile of happiness I'd realise its all a bubble of illusion that goes Pop! after all the initial happiness. When things aren't totally confirmed, and when things are just in the beginning stage, I don't like sharing around. Cause I don't like myself to be expecting too much. And also because it happen to me many times too.

For instance, that time when I thought I had those issues about hostel roomates and groups all almost settle and I sort of told people about it, and then suddenly, bomb drop, false hope, back to square one, 白欢喜一场。

I don't know, its weird and I actually believe it. For other people I noticed, they'd go telling all their friends and relatives and whoever. But for me, I handle them cautiously, I would rather take it as improvement in situation and when people ask, I would say instead, " Nope, not confimed, not sure, don't know yet." even if in actual, I knew something. Its totally selfish of me, I always feel, that I don't share joys with people.

Thats it. Thought I would just explain abit but turns out I don't even understand why I feel like that. Its hard to explain. But whatever, just had to write something about it here.


Quotes of the day:

When it comes down to it.
We don't remember days.
We remember moments.

If you can't cry, you can't truly laugh.

Quotes..that EVERYONE love...

1. PROBLEM WITH GUYS: they make you believe they love you when they don't.

THE PROBLEM WITH GRLS: they make you believe they don't love you when they do.



2. When you drop a glass or a plate on the ground,it makes a loud crashing sound.

When a window shatters,a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall,it makes a noise.

but as for your heart, when that breaks,it's completely silent.

you would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world,

or even have some sort of ceremonious soundlike the gong of a symbol or the ringing of a bell.

but it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.



3. Let's play truth or dare,

Truth; you tell me how you really feel.

Dare; prove it.



4. Don't you ever just have days where, you wanna k n o c k out every single person that asks you "what's wrong?" while, the whole time you're just w a i t i n g for that one person that doesn't even notice to be the one, to ask you if they can help?



5. Trust is a fragile thing. once earned, it affords us tremondous freedom.

But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover.

Of course, the truth is, we never know who we can trust.

Those we're closest to can betray us and total strangers can come to our rescue.

Iin the end, most people decide to trust themselves.

It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.

++ Grey's Anatomy



6. The simple ways we roll our eyes are exactly how we disguise our secrets

[ you know you need this ]

++ The Audition



7. There are things you don't wanna happen but you just have to accept.

There are things you don't wanna know but you gotta learn &

there are people that you can't live without but sometimes you just gotta let them go.



8. Time is never time at all.

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.

& our lives are forever changed.

We will never be the same.

The more you change the less you feel.



9. To her classmates shes...a quiet girl with a huge smile.

To her friends shes...a funny/outgoing girl who always makes them laugh.

To her best friends shes...a dreamer girl head over heels with a guy that doesn't know.

To the guy that loves her shes...the amazing girl who makes him believe in perfection[&]

To her shes...the only girl who will never know.


10. Do you know what it's like to be me?

To go through something that not everyone else can see?

Do you know what it's like to walk in my shoes?

Please stop judging me simply because i'm not you.



11. [ l i f e x i s x s h o r t ] so [ l i v e x i t x u p ] drink it down ;

be loud and obnoxious.

'`*smile hard, love deep.

keep your friends within arms reach.

and never, ever have regrets,

because everything you ever did,

was exactly what you once wanted




12. You know the music isn't loud enough, if you can still hear your thoughts.



13. I figure life's a gift & I don't intend on wasting it.

You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next.

You learn to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count

++Jack in Titanic


14. apologizing is like white out.it covers up the mistake, but it never totally goes away



15. suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

love isn't about little words [<3]>

love is about grand gestures.

love is about airplanes, pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-tronsgiant words in sky writing.

love is about going that extra mile, even if it hurts. '

`* letting it all hang out.

love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn`t even know was there.



16. you closed your eyes ; that was the difference.

Sometimes you can`t believe what you see

you have to believe what you feel

& if you`re ever going to have people trust you,

you must feel that you can trust them too even when your in the dark ;

even when you`re falling

17. I'm gonna send a little rain
to pour down on you. Rain
that makes the flowers bloom, rain to leave you
all alone, that keeps eyelashes
falling and wishes washed
away.


18. and I used to miss you so much,but it never seemed like you missed me, I guess because of that I stopped missing you.



19. i wish it could be simple

Like a retro pop song"i want you to want me"

Boom, end of story.

We all live happily ever after

But it's never really like that is it.

++John Tucker Must Die



20. it's ironic how when a person likes someone,

they don't do anything about it because they are so scared of rejection.

Yet,a lot of times, it turns out,

that person you were so scared of telling them how you felt actually felt the same way and just waited for you to do something..

doesn't that tell you something?



21. the first thing we did in kindergarten was get shown a picture of an apple &two oranges, then pick out which ones didn't belong. the first thing we were taught was that being different is wrong... when its not.



22. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add,

But when thereis nothing left to take away."

++Antoine de Saint-Exupery



23. EMO: like a goth only a lot less dark & much more harry potter



24. As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can.
But the world is full of unexpected twists & turns.
& just when you`ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts.
& knocks you off your feet.
If you`re lucky, you`ll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a bandaid will cover.
But, some wounds are deeper than they first appear, & require more than just a quick fix.
With some wounds, you have to rip of the bandaid, let them breathe & give them time to heal.

++ Grey`s Anatomy



25. So you want me to tell you something about myself? I've got nothing to say. Even if I did you'd be wrong to believe me. Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows anyone.



26. i dont believe that old cliche that good things come to those who wait.

i think good things come to those who want something so bad, they cant sit still

++ Ashton Kutcher



27. I always smile when I see his screen name comes up. If only he knew. Then again. I could tell him. Just. I don't want to.



28. I think I will go anti-LOVE.


Really, I mean, butterflies in the stomach, hearts skipping beats, the urge to just get a glimpse of him,

That can't be safe. At all.

Who needs that???



29. "sometimes the most real things in life are the things that can't be seen."

+ + the polar express



30. Love yourself & love life.

It`s okay not to be perfect.


31. When there seems like there's no one left to run to in this empty world of ours, you can come to me & I will be your shooting star.

You can tell me your dreams. I can't promise that I can make them come true, but I'll be there to pick up the pieces of your __? broken heart



32. I'm taking a chance.This could be different.It could be all i'm waiting for.



33. everything changes in high school.

your attitude, your friends & the way you act.

but just remember that you probably wont see any of those people after you graduate



34. take my hand and i'll promise you the world full of all it's imperfections,

you'll fit right in



35. life is like a million pictures in a photo album

you can remember it, but you can never recapture it



36. Dry your eyes, clear your mind;

you just gotta take it one day at a time.

Dust off your heart, take it off the shelf;

you gotta remember to love yourself.



37. I'm just saying you can't know who the person is;

the person who will become your ultimate confidant, your soulmate, your lover.

He may be the guy you've had your eye on for years, or he might be the guy next to you in torn jeans buying some parts for his motorcycle.

Whoever he is, he starts off at a stranger, so he could be anyone.



38. "What are you waiting for?"

"I don`t know, something amazing, I guess."

++The Incredibles


39. I was finally getting over you, believing we were through.

I even had crushes other than you. I was walking with my head up high, thinking I wasn`t gunna fall.

& then you had to smile at me & ruin it all.



40. it's funny how you never know when it will be the best day of your life



41. Turn up the music. block out the [[w.o.r.l.d]]



42. If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you,

it's not because they enjoy solitude.

It's because they have tried to blend into the world before,

and people continue to disappoint them.



43. have you noticed that

if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you,

the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant

before it flickers away.



44. People don't know about the things I say and do;

they don't understand the shit I've been through.

It's been so long since

Maybe I forgot all the things I miss.

Oh, somehow I know there's more to life than this.

I said it too many times and I still stand firm;

you get what you put in and people get what they deserve



45. we scream our insecurities and whisper our apologies. and that's why this world will always be so wrong.

Disclaimer: This quotes are not written by me. I saw them in some random websites that I stumbled through. Of course, there are some that I edited, that I really meant from my heart. Go figure which. I really love these quotes, they are so brutally honest, they just seem to come right from my heart, and express everything that I ever wanted to say out, everything that I feel, but didnt dare and couldn't put them down to words. Enjoy.

everything is not alright

Everytime I wanna convince myself, Everything is gonna be ALRIGHT. Everything is gonna get better. Don't worry. Don't stress out. Don't make such a big deal out of everything. Don't get so pessimistic. Don't get all emo. Let things be. Let things take its own course. Everything is gonna be ALRIGHT.

And then I relax. Start to not worry so much. Try to make it all like some tiny winy matter that doesn't bother me at all.

And then in seconds Wham! Bang! Crash! Whatever negative thoughts you had before, that you tried to push to the back of your mind, that you bury in your subconcious mind so that it will not annoy or bother you, all those negative thoughts came alive, become reality face-to-face up with me.

Then my mood and my hopes all begin to drop right into a smelly, stinky, muddy, gross pit.

And no matter how I waddle, how I struggle, its like a sandpit, the more i struggle the more its gonna pull me deeper.

I didnt feel anything. Numbed. Resigned. I guess deep down I expected this was gonna happen.

Mum and Dad thought I would have cried there and then. But I didnt. I kept quiet. I didnt say a word. I knew tears would come. Soon. But not in front of my parents. No. I made them worry enough. I made them frustrated.

Then I knew. Why bother sweet-talking yourself into believing everything is gonna turn out right the way it will be? Why persuade yourself into some make-believe, some fantasy that you don't even believe in the first place??

Because, everything is not alright. And I don't know when will be. So don't fool yourself. Face up to the screwed-up problems. Don't avoid. Don't hide. No use.

I am so *%#@ up mad with you i wanna scream at you, I wanna yell your head off. But then again why bother? No matter how I holler at you, the messed up situation wouldn't change.

I could have told you, " Why the hell didnt you be honest with me? Why the hell did you tell me to wait and to wait and now again to wait? Why the hell did you mislead me into believing your lies and craps? Why the hell did you make promises that you cant keep? Why the hell did you keep the whole truth from me? Why the hell are you dragging me? Why the hell did you .............." On and on and on. But it wouldn't make any differences.So, why bother at all. I don't even have the strength to be mad at you. No matter how mad I am, I am still depending on you. I am still putting my " misguiding, wretched, leechlike parasite call hope " on you.

So tell me. What else am I supposed to do? I did everything possible. I tried everything. I got scolded, I got mad, I got sad. What else it there left? To plead with you? To beg you? Will things change even if I do so?

Then I thought. Maybe It is meant to be this way. Maybe what that cant be yours cant be forced. Maybe it is your stupid luck. Maybe it will be better for me this way. Maybe it is supposed to be the hard way so I can learn the hard way. Maybe it happens with a reason that I wouldn't know now but will know in future. Maybe it is all a test to test my patience, my endurance.

I have to decide. And so I decide.

Trust me. It is hard making decisions.

I don't want to end up nowhere. I don't want to end up with less than what I could have in the beginning. I don't want to end up wasting my time. my money. my life.

You have already made my life miserable as it is.

And so I decide.

I am so sick of making decision but this is one decision I cant avoid or ignore.

I might regret making that decision now. I might be better off waiting.

50-50 % chances. Are You gonna take the risk if you were me, if you were in my shoes, my spot?

I have been holding on to too much hope, clinging to some tiny thread of hope that leads me nowhere.

Maybe it is time I let go. Maybe it is time I have to let go. Maybe it is time I learn to let go.

Maybe.

Just one more week. Then perhaps my perception will change.

Just one more week. Give me a little time.

Hope isn't that easy to just let go.

You trust it, you believe it until it tries to strangle you.