everything is not alright

Everytime I wanna convince myself, Everything is gonna be ALRIGHT. Everything is gonna get better. Don't worry. Don't stress out. Don't make such a big deal out of everything. Don't get so pessimistic. Don't get all emo. Let things be. Let things take its own course. Everything is gonna be ALRIGHT.

And then I relax. Start to not worry so much. Try to make it all like some tiny winy matter that doesn't bother me at all.

And then in seconds Wham! Bang! Crash! Whatever negative thoughts you had before, that you tried to push to the back of your mind, that you bury in your subconcious mind so that it will not annoy or bother you, all those negative thoughts came alive, become reality face-to-face up with me.

Then my mood and my hopes all begin to drop right into a smelly, stinky, muddy, gross pit.

And no matter how I waddle, how I struggle, its like a sandpit, the more i struggle the more its gonna pull me deeper.

I didnt feel anything. Numbed. Resigned. I guess deep down I expected this was gonna happen.

Mum and Dad thought I would have cried there and then. But I didnt. I kept quiet. I didnt say a word. I knew tears would come. Soon. But not in front of my parents. No. I made them worry enough. I made them frustrated.

Then I knew. Why bother sweet-talking yourself into believing everything is gonna turn out right the way it will be? Why persuade yourself into some make-believe, some fantasy that you don't even believe in the first place??

Because, everything is not alright. And I don't know when will be. So don't fool yourself. Face up to the screwed-up problems. Don't avoid. Don't hide. No use.

I am so *%#@ up mad with you i wanna scream at you, I wanna yell your head off. But then again why bother? No matter how I holler at you, the messed up situation wouldn't change.

I could have told you, " Why the hell didnt you be honest with me? Why the hell did you tell me to wait and to wait and now again to wait? Why the hell did you mislead me into believing your lies and craps? Why the hell did you make promises that you cant keep? Why the hell did you keep the whole truth from me? Why the hell are you dragging me? Why the hell did you .............." On and on and on. But it wouldn't make any differences.So, why bother at all. I don't even have the strength to be mad at you. No matter how mad I am, I am still depending on you. I am still putting my " misguiding, wretched, leechlike parasite call hope " on you.

So tell me. What else am I supposed to do? I did everything possible. I tried everything. I got scolded, I got mad, I got sad. What else it there left? To plead with you? To beg you? Will things change even if I do so?

Then I thought. Maybe It is meant to be this way. Maybe what that cant be yours cant be forced. Maybe it is your stupid luck. Maybe it will be better for me this way. Maybe it is supposed to be the hard way so I can learn the hard way. Maybe it happens with a reason that I wouldn't know now but will know in future. Maybe it is all a test to test my patience, my endurance.

I have to decide. And so I decide.

Trust me. It is hard making decisions.

I don't want to end up nowhere. I don't want to end up with less than what I could have in the beginning. I don't want to end up wasting my time. my money. my life.

You have already made my life miserable as it is.

And so I decide.

I am so sick of making decision but this is one decision I cant avoid or ignore.

I might regret making that decision now. I might be better off waiting.

50-50 % chances. Are You gonna take the risk if you were me, if you were in my shoes, my spot?

I have been holding on to too much hope, clinging to some tiny thread of hope that leads me nowhere.

Maybe it is time I let go. Maybe it is time I have to let go. Maybe it is time I learn to let go.

Maybe.

Just one more week. Then perhaps my perception will change.

Just one more week. Give me a little time.

Hope isn't that easy to just let go.

You trust it, you believe it until it tries to strangle you.